i can't sleep in my house very well. the traffic is loud, the furnace makes all manner of weird noises (as it did when my house was broken into with me here before - one sound sounding like someone bumping into my chair - which it was), the walls are the same walls I left 9 years ago. all my shit travelled all the way there, (and there and there and there), to just wind up here waiting for the screwdriver. i feel there is no reason for my return. i should be near the girls at least. in the dream i am back in nycity meeting my mother for lunch and i ask myself (furnace crack) if i'd e happier going home to my little house across the river. i felt a strong 'yes'. i meet gilly's baby who is darling and gilly is extremely dear and says we were all wrong and asks me to be her sister. in the room behind is my actual sister. she is very sick but trying to recover and we are all there to help her. we are bringing her home. actually though we are all going to go party for a bit first which i want to do fairly badly as all is 'back to normal' and i want to go out. andrea is serious though, distant and trying. she wants out of the van. i go with her. I don't quite remember going back to her apartment on 80th. but i know that it is okay, even if I'm back in my house. even if i'm sleeping alone with scissors under my pillow. the furnace pops. whatever we have lost is well lost, as long as we have her and she still has a chance to live. i am impressed with how hard she is trying.
i am very tired this morning, typing with my eyes shut because they were open much of the night. i don't seem to know how to start again. not depressed just a bit spun. a friend wrote to say she dreamt of me. that i was living in San Francisco and ran a place called the Hibiscus Cafe. She said I was very well dressed.
maybe i should sell my house.
1 comment:
there is quite a bit there in that posting. i'm mostly shocked by the lack of safety and comfort you feel in your home. its almost as if the waking and dreaming times are somehow commingling. what a difficult decision to have to make. there is no right or wrong decision, only different ones.
I envy you your memories of Andrea. While you miss her terribly, I envy the fact that you had such a relationship. I hope you don't take that the wrong way. Envy doesn't have to be terrible, does it?
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