either is a mistake

i chose one.
it was a mistake.
actually, i didn't choose but I said things that changed things. I don't want to become afraid of that. But these consquences are daunting.
how quickly we fall in love.
how little we know about what we need, can do, should do, have done, might do. how little we are sure about whether the satisfactions of the day are easing the soul or not.

i see no point anymore in making plans of any kind. nothing works out as planned.
often that's good - because we're too dumb to know any better. or, we just lose (all? again?) and, lost in nuance, start thinking anew, planning. As if we could plan, as if it wasn't well past midnight in our lives, as if it was ever just our karma we were negotiating, or that even if it was, it would play out at all - properly.

how could we know how it will come down when the next five minutes is different than we guess. totally. how can we know who will be lucky, who will be hard, or sick or beautiful, who seems delightful and then betrays, who will be the steadfast friend, the one there at the dark hour, or the one last standing. i'm always wrong, it seems. and yet there are the surprising friends and the ones who we are sure will be break us and turn out to be all the meaning we have found. and yet alsoontheotherhand people never seem to really change. in the end, when is the end, we will have been right, right??

and about ourselves -
to hold onto the self or give it away?
maybe either isn't a mistake.
maybe just one.