The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words:
1. Coffee , n. the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. a rapidly receding hairline..
11. Testicle , n. a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n.. a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishism's.
15. Circumvent , n. an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
16. Frisbeetarianism , n. the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
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